by Leela Soma
Diary of Tesse Bryan
(For my eyes only- Keep out)
Oct 1 2005:
Great summer, marred only by working all the time at the burger bar. Still smell the fat. Won’t step inside one, though 49p burger is so affordable for me and I love the sickly milkshake. Sweet tooth that’s what’s killing me. I love it too much.
Second year at the Cale Uni, hate it, love it. Have a great bunch of friends though feel we’re not doing a course that leads to anything but a dead end job. A huge student debt to look forward to! Must cut down on the parties, fags and spending on booze this year. New session, new promises, will I keep it up? Oh the bloody phone, just when I’m ready to sleep.
For god’s sake mum it’s nearly midnight.
Can’t get you any other time. Tesse you need to look after yourself. Have you been to the doctors?
Mum I’m fine, give me a break.
I’ve made an appointment for you for Friday 4 pm make sure you’re there.
Ok, Ok, (anything to get you off my back)
Tesse, only a mum cares enough…
(Here we go)
How come Bridget Jones is funny about gaining weight and all the booze, but mum nags me all the time? The doc prodding me with the steth got on my nerves. The mirror shows me huge. My bum does look big in everything.
Paul’s laugh, he really cares. Had a great night out to get over the doc’s appointment. I luvvvv him. Emma that bitch, on and on about me being a blonde bimbo, she’s not all that brainy is she? Physiotherapy, what’s that? She makes it sound as though she is training to be a doc. Love this time of the year, the wild rain splutters on the window, the orangey glow of the street lamps making ice-lolly patterns on the glass, watery, dying away slowly.
I love cuddling into my duvet. I shouldn’t have eaten so much of the chocolate cake and then made myself sick. Well pounds off at least, I hope. Mum will go spare. I hate the ugly fat me in the mirror, God nearly forgot, the bloody assignment‘s due tomorrow!!
Great Halloween Party had a wonderful time. The bands were great, Paul made a real effort, and oh life is brill, even scraped through my first assignment. Made myself sick with all that pumpkin pie though, I shouldn’t be such a pig.
Sorry diary, too busy partying, being ill, too much work etc. Mum’s doing my head in, another appointment. I’m never going home at the weekends again.
East Kilbride’s dead. Roundabouts and a stinking shopping centre, not like the city at all. Nothing to do but listen to mum’s boring life. Bingo, her work at ASDA, who cares? Gets my washing done but nags me like crazy, I want to shout out, get a life mum!! There she is on the phone again.
Tesse just wanted to remind you about the doc.
Mum, I know, I’ll go.
Mum, no I’m not an anorexic, I’m fine, oh stop crying, oh god. Mum, skinny jeans are in fashion, you don’t read anything but “Woman” and “Sunday Post”, how would you know?
Sweetheart just a glass of milk and wee scrambled egg will help…
Ok, ok I’ll eat more; yes I’ll do as you say!! Mum look, I’ve some good news. I’ve got a decent job at the cosmetic counter at Boots, better than flipping burgers and the pay is better.
Great you’ll love all that make up and stuff, remember to eat well, all that work will make you tired….
Semester’s coming to an end. Done badly in all the exams, hate myself, Emma gets right on my wick. All that flaunting about her new mobile, her camera, mp3, video stuff. ‘Don’t you look like a real skeleton now, would have been great for the Halloween party’ she digs at me. Next time she comes near me or Paul I’m going to whack her one. Paul’s acting daft laughing with Emma. I’ll kill him.
Sacked from Boots too can’t tell mum. God Christmas at home and mum’ll be hyper. Weighed myself, lost only a couple of pounds. Seven stone is still too much. Mum will nag me like mad. Can’t get out of Christmas break at home, no job, no money have to put up with her!
Nightmare stay at mum’s thank God is over. Need to get on with my stuff for the re-sits. Wish I was doing some other course that’ll get me a decent job. What job is sociology going to get me? The only course I could get into. I hate it. Paul’s acting funny, has not called me or come around. Feel awful, all that eating at home. I must lose some more weight. Too many fags, the more mum nagged me the more I need it. Must give it up. Too stressed now, after the exams I’ll keep all my New Year resolutions.
1. Will stop smoking.
2. Will study hard.
3. Will eat healthy stuff.
4. Will stick at a good job.
5. Will be nice to mum.
Miserable weather, bloody cold must wear warmer gear. Where is Paul? I’m, missing him, he’s not answering my calls, and no text messages, hope he’s ok.
Emma has got Paul. He dumped me by texting me, the bastard, I felt my life was over. I was thinking of dropping out of the Uni. Mum’s been a real pal
.How did I survive these few weeks? The counsellor and the doc helped. I can see straight for the first time. Being home is just what I needed. Mum hasn’t once blamed me or nagged me apart from the eating bit. She’s been really supportive. I am glad I saw sense.
Bianca from the fashion school is fun. Good that I met her at the therapy session. We have so much in common. Her course on fashion sounds so good. She boosts my confidence all the time. I can keep out of the way of Emma and the old gang. Bianca makes such a deal of my ‘model looks’ as she calls it, even wants me to model her fashion collection for her finals. I feel so great, such a fun thing to do.
Can’t believe it, mum is thrilled. What a stroke of luck that I was at the fashion school as a model? Kay from the model agency was fantastic. Mum can’t stop talking about it. I’ll soon be on the cover of all the fashion magazines as the Scot Teen model of the year. Forget the Uni, this is the job I have always wanted, I’ve landed on my feet. Eat your heart out Emma, serves you right for stealing Paul from under my nose. I am away doing a photo shoot in Barbados you can stick with mingin’ Paul and all the oldies you’ll be treating as a physio, ha ha!
(c) Leela Soma 2021